Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
